Reframing Your Offer: What Kind of Help Do People Want?

In my last post, I proposed an exercise for gathering information about what people want when it comes to conflict resolution help. Today, I’m picking up that thread now that I hope you’ve had a chance to complete that exercise. The next few posts will have much more use to you if you complete Exercise 2.2.3 first.

Let’s assume you’ve compiled a list of people’s replies to your question. Take a look back through them. What can you glean from them, collectively? You may find it helpful to weed out long paragraphs and convert the essence of their messages into concise sentences.

When my colleague Jen completed this exercise, she was kind enough to share her results. People told her the following:

• I’d want some help convincing the other person to really listen to me.
• I’d want help negotiating a better deal for myself.
• I could use help in getting faster on my feet. In arguments, I get so intimidated that I get confused and upset.
• I just want a calm conversation where we can talk things out fairly and equitably, without tempers getting in the way.
• I want an ally, someone who can help me think things through. Maybe that would happen before the conversation, maybe during.
• I want someone to do it for me. I hate conflict and will avoid it all costs.

These may be similar or quite different from the responses you received. Take a second pass through your list now and note any similar or duplicate responses. Then complete the following exercise:

Exercise 2.2.4: Name the Problems People Most Want Solved

Using the responses generated in Exercise 2.2.3, create a new list for yourself. You’ll be using this list in later chapters, so it’s worth some good investment of your time now.

Your new list should answer this question: What are the conflict problems that people want help with?

Try to name the problems without diagnosing the people who gave you those responses (for example, avoid “Needs help being less passive-aggressive”) and without framing the problems as something only a mediator does. Avoid mediator jargon, too.

For instance, using Jen’s list, we might generate the following list:

• Help preparing for difficult conversations.
• Help with careful reflection before, during or after a conflict conversation.
• Help keeping conflict conversations constructive and effective.
• Help with not getting flustered in the face of someone else’s anger.
• Help learning better negotiation skills or approaches.
• Help getting disputes resolved without having to do it themselves.

Copyright © 2006 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved.